It has been six months since I started doing the morning show. Six months of setting an alarm for 2 AM. Six months of fighting the very fabric of nature itself, because no living thing should be awake at this hour. Owls? Asleep. Bats? Asleep. That weird raccoon that stares at me from my trash can? Even he has the decency to call it a night. How’s it going, you ask?  Well, let’s just say if my body had a Yelp review, it would be one star with a caption that reads: “Would not recommend.”

The Sacrifices No One Warned Me About:

Nobody sat me down and said, “Hey, if you wake up at 2 AM every day, your entire life will become an endless loop of confusion and despair.” So let me be that friend for you. Here are just a few things I have given up since taking this gig:

1. A Normal Sleep Schedule

I don’t sleep—I just take strategic naps in random locations. Couch? Nap. Car? Nap. Standing in line at the grocery store? Nap. I once blinked too long and lost three hours.

2. Late-Night Activities

Remember when I used to go out and have fun? Me neither. People invite me to things, and I just laugh. A concert at 8 PM? Hilarious. A party at 9? You might as well ask me to time travel.

3. Knowing What Day It Is

At this point, I just rely on context clues. If I see a kid with a backpack, I assume it’s a weekday. If I see my neighbor in his robe staring into the void, it’s probably Sunday. Otherwise? No idea.

4. Functioning Like a Human in Public

I recently tried having a conversation with a barista at 4 AM. I meant to order a black coffee, but instead, I just grunted and handed them my car keys like some kind of caveman trading for fire.

5. Dignity

Last week, I put my phone in the fridge and tried to answer a granola bar. I was 10 minutes deep in a conversation before I realized my mistake.

The Perks of This Lifestyle (If You Can Call It That)

There are some perks to being awake before even the ghosts clock in for their shifts:

No Traffic. I could do cartwheels in the middle of the freeway if I wanted to. Not saying I have. Just saying I could.

The Late-Night Gas Station Attendant is My New Best Friend. He calls me “Chief” and once tried to sell me a crossbow and a hot dog. He might be a time traveler from the Wild West. I’m not sure.

I’m Basically a Morning Cryptid. If you ever see me before sunrise, just know it’s a rare sighting, like Bigfoot or a functional printer. I appear briefly, mumble something incoherent, and disappear before anyone can get a clear picture.

So, how’s life? Well, I no longer remember what it’s like to wake up after sunrise. I run purely on caffeine and poor life choices and now if you’ll excuse me, I have to mentally prep for my next nap. That’s how it’s going!!!!